The Dark Secret

by Diane Sprague

To be lost in her dreams was something she treasured.  The images surrounding her in her sleep brought her feelings that were wonderfully rich and deep and they offered a welcomed escape from the brutal emotions of the daytime world.   Tonight she was in a canoe on a stream.  She felt the peace of the gentle flowing water.  She could finally let go and enjoy the sensations.  The sky was clear and blue and the sounds she heard were limited to the small responses of the water to her slowly drifting boat.  Her thoughts were merged with the symbols that whispered and reminded her of what was real, what finally was real.

Her tranquil state was interrupted by the sudden absence of the canoe.  She slowly found herself sinking into the stream.  The coolness of the water felt exhilarating.  She knew she was in the depths, the hidden recesses, the unconscious.  This mysterious, much sought after, and elusive realm pulled her to its numinous presence.

"I know who you are," she whispered.  "Show me your secrets."

Immediately she saw only darkness, a terrifying complete black wall of nothing, the horrifying solid nothing.  Just a deep black.  Silence. Darkness.

She woke up in a cold sweat.  She was breathless and trembling.  She had seen something no one should see.

Even so, the human psyche is amazingly able to set things aside.  The alarm rang.  There were children to bring to school, a job to drive to, and tasks to be done.  The day had started and night was to be forgotten.

She set the darkness aside and replaced it with the mundane. She went through her tasks.  It was that suffocating time when winter was dying, spring was dawdling, and mud was everywhere.  Her spirit felt broken and alone. As she drove to her job, she felt bothered by the traffic, the frustrating, lagging, tired traffic.  "Why must it be like this?" she thought.  "Why is life just getting through things, following the rules of what we think we must do, facing the never ending stream of emptiness and frustrations."

Then she looked at the barren white sky and remembered the darkness.  An overwhelming sense of comfort settled on her.  She realized she wanted the darkness; she embraced the darkness; she understood it.  It was hers.  It stood as a shield against the mundane, the rules we think we must follow, the tiresome traffic, the life she could never understand.  The horrible secret of her unconscious came in a new guise. Instead of terror, it offered freedom and peace, and it offered her a home.

She liked the secret the unconscious shared with her.  She carries it with her everywhere.  It is an frightening one, but the only one she has.  It defines her by undefining her, by undefining everything.